Behavior & Habits

You think it’s about laziness, a lack of self-discipline, time management? That it’s solved with planners, a social media detox, self-motivation? Maybe that helps. Partly. And at the price of discipline, tension, constant self-control. The usual story: you manage the fallout instead of removing the cause.

People rarely come to me with this problem directly. It usually comes up during the work.

Most often the problem isn’t a lack of self-discipline. And it certainly isn’t that you don’t have five free minutes. Writing the email right away and forgetting about it is usually far easier than keeping the need to do it in your head.

Procrastination is not a personality trait. That’s why fighting it through self-improvement is largely ineffective. A poor man doesn’t go into debt because he fails to understand he’ll pay more in the end. He understands everything. He simply doesn’t have the money. That’s his reality.

Whatever keeps you from writing the email right away and getting it off your mind — that’s real. Any action takes energy. If there’s no free energy, talking yourself into it or controlling yourself is useless. And if there isn’t enough even for something as small as an email, then almost certainly it’s blocked by patterns that can be found in the body with my hands, and worked on. When the energy is freed up, the problem gradually goes away.

This doesn’t mean self-discipline and time management are bad. Of course not. They help you manage the energy you have. Just the energy you have. Somatic therapy gives you access to more of your own energy by freeing it up.

You’ve probably been told to focus. That is, don’t split your attention among many different tasks, risking that one of them will grab it all and the rest will fall away.

The trouble with obvious advice is that it’s easy to give and completely unclear how to follow. The usual mistake is trying to follow it.

Focus? Sure thing. Create a work environment where nothing distracts you, meditate. Your attention still wanders? Great. Start a journal, put the extra stuff on paper, and get it out of your head.

Keeping your attention in place turns into elaborate rituals. And they help. Partly. Sometimes I’m genuinely surprised at how much ingenuity, how much effort goes into fighting the effects instead of removing the cause. Then the effects disappear on their own.

Of course, some people really are incredibly busy, and their time is literally scheduled down to the second. Top executives, politicians... They have assistants, and complex, effective time-management systems were created for them, because they carry an enormous load. If that’s your case, you’re already doing everything right, and I have nothing to offer you.

But the people who come to me complaining that they never get anything done aren’t overloaded. They’re simply scattered. And that isn’t fixed by discipline or time management. Because the cause isn’t a lack of time.

The reason you keep getting distracted is real. Trying to ignore it is useless. It will keep stealing your attention anyway. And it lives in your body. At some point, areas of tension formed there. At the time, they were useful and effective responses by the body to those circumstances. But the situation changed. The tension stayed. Then a new situation came, and new areas of tension formed. On top of the old ones. Year after year.

Your mind receives signals from these areas of tension. And it unfailingly recognizes the emotional situations that created them. All at once. Think about it: every stress, every crisis you’ve experienced in your life, your mind perceives as happening right here and now. Because your body is signaling to it about them. And what do you expect your mind to do: ignore all of that and focus on what you planned?

It doesn’t work. So then you try to force it, creating a distraction-free workspace and starting a journal. Willpower against real sensations.

The good news: the tensions creating chaos in your attention are literally within arm’s reach. In your body. I can find them with my hands and gradually loosen them. And your attention will free up. On its own.

You won’t become a superhero, and your day will still have 24 hours. But all of them will be at your disposal. I’m sure you’ll be able to put them to good use.

An active life is a great thing. And it’s good that you enjoy it. Practices help us grow and get better. They’re also a great way to regulate yourself and keep tension in check. And that’s mostly what people use them for.

For some people, regular practices let them keep up a crazy pace for years without burning out. But in my practice, there’s another situation I run into more often. A quiet life by the sea, work without heavy stress. And yet you still need your practices to regulate yourself, and they eat up a big chunk of your time. Which means you brought the tension with you.

If that’s you, then everything below is for you.

The cause, maybe, is long gone. But your body remembered its reaction and kept it. And now that bodily tension keeps replaying the emotional states tied to events long past, all on its own. It will keep doing that for as long as the body pattern holds.

Your practices release the tension, and you feel quick, clear relief. But the tension generator keeps running, and it builds back up. On top of that, a practice you do on a regular basis goes on autopilot. The body gets used to it, and to get the same effect you have to up the dose. Or find something new. A new practice will feel bigger, brighter, stronger. For a while.

If you keep fighting the tension without touching its source, something always runs out first. Either the hours in your day, or your energy. And if you can afford to spend a lot of time on yourself, you’ll gradually discover that it’s all spoken for.

At first you don’t notice, especially if you live in a resort town. Around here, a healthy lifestyle is a calling card, a point of pride, and almost a civic duty. Duty. Another duty. You leave the big city and find out you’re conditioned all over again.

There’s a simple test to find out what your practices really are, pleasure or duty: take a pause. A week or two of regular life without the practices. Not trading them for a trip or an event. An actual pause. You won’t lose your shape in that time. But if the practices were medicine for tension, the tension will come out, and you’ll feel it louder than usual.

That’s when I look for the tension in the body. Most likely, I can find it with my hands and loosen it.

And then your practices turn from a need into a possibility. And the decision whether to use that possibility becomes yours to make, not your past’s.

I hear this script very often. Anxiety has become a constant background. During the day, you don’t notice it. But in the evening, when it’s quiet, it comes to the surface and won’t let you sleep. So you need something to distract you and drown it out. Sleep only comes when exhaustion finally pulls you under.

If you can’t sleep because you’re wound up from the day’s events, you just need to calm down. Calm music before bed, evening meditation. Simple rituals relieve the day’s tension. And they help. Partly. But they’re no match for chronic tension. Its cause isn’t today’s events.

If rituals don’t help, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Your anxiety is real. You didn’t make it up. And you can work on the cause.

You’ve been through situations involving stress, danger, uncertainty. At the time, anxiety was a normal response. Your body responded and formed a pattern that helped you adapt. But then the danger passed. The areas of tension stayed. And now they send your brain a signal: “we’re ready for danger.” Your brain sees no danger: you’re just getting ready for bed. And this mismatch only heightens the anxiety. Your body is bracing for a threat, but there’s no threat anywhere in sight. It’s no wonder you can’t fall asleep.

I can find the areas of tension with my hands and gradually loosen them. This doesn’t guarantee sound sleep. You may have real reasons to be anxious. But your past will stop keeping you awake. It often turns out this was the problem.

Hunger isn’t the only reason we eat. Sharing a meal brings people closer. Food is pleasurable. And food also helps drown out anxiety.

That last one is exactly our case. Of course, food calms you down. Your body has to digest whatever ends up in your mouth. And while it’s busy doing that, you feel much calmer. And if the food is also tasty, pleasure drowns out the anxiety. But only for a short time. And the extra calories stay.

You can deal with overeating through self-control. Count calories. Forbid yourself from snacking. You can even put a lock on your own fridge and give the key to your partner. People come up with many ways to fight themselves. And they all help. Partly. And at the cost of extra tension.

My clients have noticed again and again: when even part of the tension leaves their body in therapy, their appetite goes down. It just goes down, on its own, without special effort. And that’s easy to explain.

Tensions in the body often become the cause of a constant background of agitation, restlessness, worry, and anxiety. You get used to this state and stop noticing it. But it keeps demanding resources and wearing you down.

After you eat, it gets weaker for a while, the discomfort eases, and you get a chance to rest. And that’s one reason for overeating.

I can find these tensions with my hands and gradually loosen them. This doesn’t guarantee weight loss. And it doesn’t even guarantee a lower appetite. But if you watch what you eat, doing so will become easier.